The Notorious F.E.W.

CRAZY RATING: 9

CHARACTERISTICS:  This one is a bit moody. Takes it upon herself to manually use the store phones (which are not supposed to be used by customers) to call the service desk repeatedly. She also ALWAYS checks out at the service desk (which is supposed to be for returns, exchanges, and money services only). There could be seventy registers open with not a single customer at them, her ass is at the service desk.

WHY I REMEMBER:  One day she brought a big stack of fabric up to the service desk, all of it without length tags on it. I asked her why the clerk didn't put tags on it, and she replied: "I cut it myself." That's the key phrase, people. "I CUT IT MYSELF." I guess, despite the fact that 99 out of 100 customers knows that an associate has to cut the fabric, measure it, and tag it, she decided she is capable of this on her own.

UPDATE:  Still running around like a crazy... well, like a Pat. Most of the Pats I know are all crazy. Pat Pleasant (sweet, but crazy), Pat the Turnpike Gate Lady (... nice on days, satanic on others)... the list could go on. 05/05/2021 - I found out Pat died within the last few years.  Rest in peace, Pat.

CRAZY RATING: 10

CHARACTERISTICS:  Acts like he knows everyone, even though for the longest time I didn't know who the fuck he was. Sometimes he gets upset at things that we can't control, yet the next he is smiling and stops to say hi. Strange indeed. Also a giant horse's ass.

WHY I REMEMBER:  One day I was driving in my little automobile. I was crossing the 10th Street railroad track, and out of nowhere, this truck with a different-colored door on the driver's side came skidding past me and nearly stopped on the track. Then this guy's head comes halfway out the window and he yells "HEEEYYYY!" at me. It scared me, I thought there might have been a train coming. I almost shat myself.

UPDATE:  I saw him standing at the service desk as I arrived at work... He said "It's about time you got to work." He has no idea how close he came to receiving a concussion administered by a chair, thrown by Jompz.

CRAZY RATING: 2

CHARACTERISTICS:  Looks cracked out, and very slim. Often has a cracked out look about her. And on rare occasions, she still looks cracked out. She really might be cracked out, what do you think?

WHY I REMEMBER:  She constantly receives MoneyGrams for small amounts every day, like $30, and $10, sometimes more than once in a day despite it costing $11.33 each time one is sent. Someone must love her to spend that much to send her multiple transactions. Or she is making interstate drug deals. I opt for the latter of the two.

UPDATE:  One of her MoneyGrams did not show up in the system, and she kept checking back again and again. My co-worker, who was on top of things as always, finally got it to come up, and I saw the desperate look finally creep out of her eyes. That was probably her daily stash money. Bitch. I have to admit though, for someone who is crazy, she is kind of nice. Blah.

CRAZY RATING: 9

CHARACTERISTICS:  Despite her husband being about an inch shorter, several hundred pounds lighter, and darker skinned than her, she still scares me. When I look at her, I seriously am reminded of the way a pig looks when you dump compost and slop into its trough and it starts gulping it down. She looks the same way. And she has beaver teeth to add to the hideousness.

WHY I REMEMBER:  She was wanting to return an X-Box (you guessed it, with no receipt) and her husband/fiance/boyfriend/whatever was really nice, but she was just acting like a huge ass-mouthed sow. I probably would have been happy to let her exchange it had she been purchasing some Trimspa and some Secret Powder Fresh Glide-on.

UPDATE:  Saw her scurrying on two legs like the pigs in that book "Animal Farm." Ironic.

CRAZY RATING: 5

CHARACTERISTICS:  Short, very large, appears to be very lumpy in every aspect.  Is rumored to drive one of those new Jeeps.  Waddles when she walks and tends to shout when not pleased. Slightly resembles a fat Nutcracker doll or a Bissell vacuum cleaner, the kind that are bagless and cylindrical.

WHY I REMEMBER:  She always asks for those Sam's choice Dr. Thunder 2-liter bottles still in the case.  She gets pissed when they are all stocked on the shelf because then she has to take herself over and get regular bottles from the shelf.  For this reason, I usually try to get the stockmen to fully stock all Dr. Thunder we have in stock. If she wants it in bulk, there is a Sam's Club about 45 miles northeast of here.

UPDATE:  She doesn't even ask for the pop in cases anymore, she just comes in and points. Sometimes I feel the incredible urge to hit her repeatedly with a billy-club.

UPDATE, 2024: It's been a solid 17 years since I left the evil clutches of Walmart and I just now discovered Chunk's real name.  I thought she was lost to the sands of time, but alas, she and her diabeetus are both still real and here.  I saw her driving down Main Street eating a smoked turkey leg in one hand and a giant soda in her cup holder. 

CRAZY LEVEL:  8 (upgraded from 3)

CHARACTERISTICS:  Just saying her name is a mouthful.  Her husband - were she not divorced - would probably say the same.  Doesn't wear a bra while she publicly spanks the hell out of her 5 children.  Observing these incidents once while taking change to a register, I found the topic to my college research paper about spanking.

WHY I REMEMBER:  Once, I observed her dragging a small child down the road on my way to work.  Later, she came in the store and proceeded to spank her children.  While she was doing this, her boobies were a constant threat to bystanders.

UPDATE:  Last seen at register 7, and she looked flustered. Her kids were clinging to her shopping cart, and my ears were just waiting to hear the all-too-familiar sound of her laying her hand across the face of one of the children. However, she was not seen with Wal-Mart Cheer, so I suspect that she may be going solo for awhile. Nevertheless, I will be keeping my guard up.

CRAZY LEVEL:  5

CHARACTERISTICS:  Former Wal-Mart employee. Obsessed with making current employees do the cheer... wherever they may be at the time.

WHY I REMEMBER:  She worked at a gas station, and I did not know this until recently. I had stopped to refuel and she popped up from behind the counter and looked out the window at me. She would not turn on the gas pump until I "gave her a W." I then proceeded to climb back into my Focus and drive away hurriedly.

UPDATE:  I saw her. Yes I did. I had not seen her in months, and I was at work. At the time, I was peacefully plotting out a break and lunch schedule for the front registers. Lost in my own world, I did not notice her approaching me on my right. She got disturbingly close to me and hollered "Give me a SQUIGGLY." I ran away so fast, my vest was hovering in mid-air, and I was nowhere in sight.  I later found out her name is Bettina, and all Bettinas are just nuts.

CRAZY LEVEL:  8

CHARACTERISTICS:  Hunched over, leans on shopping cart.  Very mean and will attack when provoked.  Usually teamed up with her slave of a husband.

WHY I REMEMBER:  Once I told her the total amount of her purchases. She then proceeded to write her check for the wrong amount. When I brought this to her attention, a random obscenity darted from her mouth. Then, she messed it up again and cursed me repeatedly. I just stared at her and said, impatiently, "It's on this little display right here in front of you." She responded with a glare. Then she asked me how much ice was and I just pointed to the sign on the ice machine, which was barely ten feet in front of her.

UPDATE**:  Last seen coughing right at another CSM. The CSM then proceeded to douse the areas to Steinman's immediate front and left with some antibacterial air sanitizer spray. The CSM then turned around and told me how much she didn't like Stinky and how she is always a bitch. I had to agree.

CRAZY LEVEL:  7, but ya gotta take points off because he can't help it, he's mentally handicapped.

CHARACTERISTICS:  Lives with his mother.  Has a tendency to ramble on and on about anything he finds of interest.  Will scream when he doesn't get his way. Wears a trendy clothing line that must have been "the big thing" back around the time the stock market was crashing - lots of paisley.

WHY I REMEMBER:  We were really busy one day and the pharmacy was closed.  He needed help finding something, and I sent someone.  They couldn't find it.  He came and stood right in the main isle in front of the registers and began screaming "I need help, I need help" repeatedly.  I'm sure I heard a few customers say "no shit," but he kept screaming until escorted out of the store.  Later, he came back and stomped some plants on the floor and made a huge mess.  I could be seen laughing my ass off in the background.

BITCH LEVEL:  9

CHARACTERISTICS: She is convinced she is better than anyone on the planet, and she is about 90.  Claims to be friends with another CSM at the store.  Always wants what she won't get.

WHY I REMEMBER:  Why else would I remember other than the fact that she is a mean wrinkled old bitch? Enough said.

UPDATE:  She didn't die. I saw her terrorizing a stocker in the snackfood department. She glared at me like those spiders do on that movie "Eight-legged Freaks." It was at that point that I darted around a stackbase containing cases of Sam's Choice soda... I am going to market a line of stun-guns under the name Jompster's Choice.

CRAZY LEVEL:  3

CHARACTERISTICS:  Even though she is on this website, I actually like Julie. She is a really nice lady. Unfortunately, she is a frequent Wal-Mart shopper. My first experience with her was when the power went out at Wal-Mart. The registers remained open, and she was in my line freaking out. That is not why I remember though...

WHY I REMEMBER:  She once brought a saucepan back for a refund. Her reason: There is no warning on the package that the metal handle may heat up. Of course she failed to realize that since the handle is made of metal and is connected to a metal pan, it will get hot. She did not use a potholder, which I found incredibly crazy. Other than that, she is somewhat normal.

UPDATE:  She came up to me with a question. Since I like Julie, I was almost willing to help her...until she bombarded me with a question about indoor antennas. She started freaking out because the one I told her would work better had some kind of "newfangled techno thingey" called an amplifier. After I got her to calm down and explained to her what the "newfangled techno thingey" was, she was good for a sale. In 2022 I discovered that she had passed away, and that saddens me.  Fly high, Julie.  I hope you continue shenanigans in Heaven lol.

CRAZY LEVEL:  6 1/2

CHARACTERISTICS:  From the swamp lands of Louisiana. She moved to a nearby town to spread her attitude like butter across the muffin-like plains of our state. Also known throughout the county for her quite large rear. However, because of her horrible demeanor, she does not qualify to be a member of the Ghetto Booty Guild.

WHY I REMEMBER:  She got immense attitude over something stupid. It was something insignificant. During her incessant babbling, I envisioned the subtle placement of a lamp or personal computer system on her shelf-ass.

UPDATE:  She's been nothing but sweet ever since she assimilated into Oklahoma culture. As much as I trash-talk Oklahoma, it can do wonders.

CRAZY LEVEL:  8 1/2

CHARACTERISTICS:  Large ass. She has more facial hair than I do (and I'm a guy). She also emits a foul stink that seems to be a combination of butt, armpit odor, and barnyard animal feces.

WHY I REMEMBER:  Another CSM once got caught in the off-color cloud that was surrounding this customer. She began swooning and only once she had stumbled from the clutches of the cloud could I move in to catch her before she tumbled to the tile floor.

UPDATE:  I saw her, accompanied by her usual green cloud. Assuming that the cloud was poisonous and that it would cause me to obtain webbed feet, I took a detour to the grocery store across the street because I figured I would be safe there.

Bunny-rabbit Girl has been removed due to her lack of appearance in the store; however, she was seen standing at my register expecting some assistance. I guess her mom had one of those Social Services vouchers, so I was forced against my will to help her. Fucking luck.

ANNOYING LEVEL:  32.5 on a scale of 1-10.

CHARACTERISTICS:  Crazy, always smells like refried beans and usually is still wearing them on his shirt. Can be seen purchasing two York peppermint patties daily.

WHY I REMEMBER:  After adding minutes on his phone card, he looked at me and said "Pen" and I said "Yes, it is." He wanted to use it, but I would not let him until he said please. Needless to say he ended up not using it.

UPDATE:  I heard the click of a phone card being thrown onto the counter. In an attempt to salvage what sanity I had left, I quickly made an escape and left Phyllis (another CSM) to deal with him, since she has much better people skills than I do. I am an evil person, I really am. Oh, and he no longer buys peppermint patties... now it's Reese's peanut-butter cups.

ANNOYING LEVEL:  9

CHARACTERISTICS:  Short, slightly fat, and resembles a very large three-year-old. Appears to have the IQ of a cinderblock and sounds the same as he stutters through sentence after sentence of senseless shit that I could care less about.

WHY I REMEMBER:  He became very irate after I told him his layaway had been cancelled because it was 27 days overdue. He proceeded to complain because we had not called him (even though we had called him unsuccessfully SEVEN TIMES). I proved him wrong point after point and he finally accepted his refund without further argument. He then sulked away and began trying to find other stuff to put back into layaway, probably so we can repeat this episode in late August.

UPDATE:  I saw him buying some Crunch n Munch. For some reason, I felt the unmistakable urge to go over and do the Diva Chop on the back of his neck. Instead, I opted for the customer-service-oriented approach, and instead gave him the nasty "I work retail because I'm desperate for a job" eye-roll.

CRAZY LEVEL:  8

CHARACTERISTICS:  Older than the Bible, spends much of her visit at Wal-Mart terrorizing unsuspecting electronics sales associates. Claims to have swollen feet that prevent her from waiting an hour for photos to be finished when she has already been there two hours, which makes no sense to me. Gets really loud and rude, suddenly apologizes, then starts causing a scene again.

WHY I REMEMBER:  One picture out of six on a page didn't turn out, and she wanted the page for free. The electronics clerk told her no, the store manager told her no, and I offered to give them to her for $4 even. But none of that was good enough. She began to holler into the electronics clerk's face right in front of me and the electronics clerk began to get in Photo Lady's face. Out of fear that a fight may start, I called the store manager, who only makes the lady even more angry. She began to punch the counter as if it were the counter's fault and yell and curse at a nearby cashier. I almost offered to go get her some Phillips constipation capsules from the pharmacy, as the look on her face convinced me that her Depends Adult Undergarments were packed to full capacity and was causing her bowels to be severely backed up. From the way her voice kept cracking and her face continually wrinkled up, I assumed the obvious.

UPDATE:  She has remained true to her promise to never shop at Wal-Mart again. Therefore, she has not been seen. VICTORY!!! One small step for my cause, one giant leap for retail kind.

CRAZY LEVEL:  10

CHARACTERISTICS:  Always in a wheelchair and loves to accuse people of being rude even though she is the one with a stick in her ass every time she comes into the store.

WHY I REMEMBER:  Phyllis (the much talked about CSM) took a receipt from her and The Destroyer accused her of snatching it from her. Their little "You did/No I didn't" argument lasted all of ten minutes before I appointed a stockman to take her out to her car. She proceeded to sit in the entryway of the store and bitch about nothing in particular for the better part of thirty minutes.

Then, if that was not enough, once when I wheeled her out, she first accused me of rolling her too fast. Then when we got to her car, she whispered for me to come closer. When I leaned down, she said "I believe that you hit every bump on purpose." I no longer help her.

UPDATE:  Was seen perusing the food department, no doubt looking for Great Value Oatmeal cookies to throw on the floor and run over repeatedly with her wheelchair. *MINI-UPDATE* I saw her running over a package of GV Oatmeal Cookies. I'm sure it just fell out of her wheelchair basket on accident, but I just turned right back around and went and shopped at Sapulpa WM*

UPDATE, 2024:  I found out she passed away some time ago.  Maybe she's to blame for this extra dimension we seem to be living in at the moment.

CRAZY LEVEL:  9

CHARACTERISTICS:  Hippie woman who always comes in the store. She is very odd. After her hippie van broke down, she used to hobble everywhere (she was in some sort of weird accident... probably on flower power). But her Medicaid kicked in and now she has a power scooter that she uses to run around the store in. I have a feeling that she also uses it to haul gravel and other assorted earthen items in due to the abundance of mud all over the thing.

WHY I REMEMBER:  One time, not at Wal-Mart, she stopped me outside of one of my classes and asked me if I wanted to buy some stuff from her. Then one time in the store, she was sitting in her little mobility unit and was reading magazines without paying for them. She always comes up and asks how much things are. I have a slight suspicion that she cannot read.

UPDATE:  Last seen stealing a load of fishing tackle. When asked to see her receipt, she stated that she brought them in and they were hers. I believed her about as much as I believe the liars and cheats that infiltrate the psychological wall that I have built around myself.

CRAZY LEVEL:  5
HILLBILLY LEVEL: 62,500/10

CHARACTERISTICS:  Wears an ugly goddamned fedora that makes him look more like a pedophile deer hunter than an actual man, but that also means he fits right in down at the Walmart.  Has a wife who is WAY too good for him.  You can spot him right away by his ugly fucking goatee and his Skoal lip.  

WHY I REMEMBER:  After he purchased the wrong bullets for his gun he attempted to bring them back for a refund.  Federal law prohibits that, so I politely explained this to him and gave him options for places around town where he can "re-sell" them.  Not liking my answer he decided to grab my hand - which was still holding the case of bullets - and squeeze every bone in my hand.  I told him to leave the store immediately.  His response was, "HWAT THE FUCK, YEW WANNA FAGHT?"  I never back away from a good fight, so - against the better wishes of my employer - I responded, "Sure, my shift ends at 7.  Meet me here in the parking lot so I can beat your ass."  Bewildered, he slammed the door back as far as he could to make a dramatic exit.  His wife punctuated the experience by profusely apologizing for him, and I explained to her that she shouldn't feel the need to apologize because he's a giant piece of shit.

UPDATE:  It has been nearly 18 years and I never saw him again. I'm still waiting for him to come see me so I can knock his jaw to the back of his head and make him look like Cletus from The Simpsons. Come get these hands, ass.